Little Boy No More

So my son hopped in the car this afternoon and preceeded to have the following convo with me.

"Mom, everyone is worried about the 5th grade dance."

 "Why, isn't that dance at the end of the school year?" I responded nonchalantly.

"Because it's hard to get a date."  he replied.

Suppressing so many emotions here: laughter, sadness, nostalgia, fear, etc.  I responded back, "Oh, I didn't realize it was that tough."

With a sigh, he added, "Well, if I have to ask someone in my class, I'm gonna ask _____." (gotta leave out the name to protect the little  fellow)

In Mommy wisdom, "I'm pretty sure you could ask anyone in fifth grade if you wanted to."

"Oh." Pauses for a moment to think of someone else he'd like to invite.  "Well, I don't even know how to dance."

"That's okay buddy. I can teach you some moves."  I say with a smile.

He smiles back, not quite sure if he's gonna take me up on that.

So here I sit, pondering that conversation.  So much said with so little words.  I've always heard that kids will grow up before you know it.  So  true.  I believe we've just entered a new phase, and it's one I'm not ready to travel.  Even when I reached over to hold his hand for a minute today, he didn't respond quite like he used to: eager and affectionate.  I know he still loves me, but I'll have to enjoy those affectionate moments on his terms. I'm okay with that, but now I wished I held his hand a little more when he wanted to,  sat a little longer holding him in my lap to read a story, laid a little longer on his bed for kiddie conversation, and looked in him in the eye a little harder while he was telling me a story.  

He's an amazing little fellow and I pray that God takes him on adventures beyond his imagination.  But today, I pause for a just a moment, let a quiet tear roll down my cheek, and remember when he was my sweet little Cademan.

Successful First Day

So the kiddies and I headed out the door this morning for day #1 of 180 this year.  Both were so excited that they actually talked to one another (in a civil manner) all the way to school.  The energy in the car was palpable  and I was glad.  Who wants to take screaming kids to school? Not me.  Anyway, both hopped out of the car and went merrily on their way to class.  I, on the other hand, did not skip so merrily to my office.  

It's not that I dreaded work today but it seemed different.  I have to say I was the opposite of stressed out -- sorry Rho.  I was almost chilled out and apathetic.  Up until a few weeks ago, I was dreading school and my job, but now it's almost a go with the flow attitude.  (Hopefully, no one student will interrupt that flow.)  You know that peace that passes understanding - it was my friend today.  Although I know that I'm in some sort of transition period and not sure where I'm going or what I'm feeling, I'm completely at ease and focused on where I am currently.   

Isaiah 26:3 says that God "will keep in perfect peace all who trust in HIM, all whose thoughts are fixed on HIM!" The  past three weeks have sent me straight to  His side and my thoughts have been COMPLETELY focused on Him because of my situation.  He truly has taken a heart in turmoil and replaced it with  the peace that passes this girl's understanding.

If your mind is in turbo fueled by worry, find a verse that reaffirms all that God is and FOCUS on that each time your mind wants to go back to that turbulent thinking.  He will give you his peace and you won't even be able to explain why your so calm about the chaos that revolves around you.  He will be your strength and your sanity :)

New School Year

I love a new school year! I'm not much for New Year's resolutions and January 1st being " The New Year." Mine starts every August when school gears back up. I know autumn hangs just around the corner and soon the marching band will belt out the school's fight song, and I'll find some calm in the routines of life. However, the thing that thrills me most about the start of a new school year is the chance to purchase school supplies: there's nothing quite like a brand new box of Crayola crayons, unblemished and promising. One of my favorite things to buy every year--and it's more age appropriate than the Crayolas--is a new notebook. I stroll the aisles of Target and Wal-Mart oohhing and aahhing over all the pretty patterns and funky color choices.

When holding a fresh-from-the-shelf notebook in my hand, I'm almost giddy. The color-coordinated patterns appeal to my sense of fashion, and it's almost like I've bought a fabulous new ensemble, but I only had to pay three bucks for it. I can't wait to fill it with notebook paper and snazzy dividers. I feel pretty; I feel organized; I feel hopeful! For me, polka-dotted polyurethane wrapped around metal rings signal an exchange of last year's mistakes and frustrations for a new attitude and hopeful heart. In essence, a fresh notebook means new beginnings, unlimited possibilites, and a chance to learn.

I love to learn! I am a student by nature; in fact, I'm one of those people who longs to go back to college just so I can sit around and have deeply intelligent discussions about literature, life, and God. Truthfully, I'm a nerd. My students often get tickled at me because I'll get so excited about what I'm about to teach them. My passion for learning empowers me to spread that passion to others. Most 8th graders, however, don't normally share my enthusiasm, but at least they won't find my class boring. In the middle school world that says a lot. Getting a pristine new notebook signifies that learning is about to take place, so with pencil in hand, eyes toward the teacher, ears tuned, I eagerly begin my education.

Unlimited possibilities are packaged right along with that notebook as well. Every school year I make new goals. I decide to pursue my writing career, keep up with my housework, spend more time with friends, increase patience with my children, and love my husband better. I know that I won't succeed at all of them, but at least I get a chance to do better than I did last year. That,in itself, brings so much peace.

I love a new spiritual notebook more than a Target one. Lamentations 3 tells me "Great is His faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day!". 2 Corinthians also tells me that once I have Christ in my life, I am "not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!" In reality, God gives me a new notebook everyday! I get a chance to start again, make changes, reach new heights, and experience things "immeasurably beyond anything I could ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20). I long to fill my spiritual notebook with the goals of walking closer with God than I did last year, being a better mother and wife, encouraging and instructing others in the paths of righteousness, and living a life more pleasing to God. I also determine to change those personality weaknesses with the help of Christ, which means that any discouragement or negative criticism from last year is left to wither in the dog days of Summer. Autumn brings the chance to replace last year's frustrations and hurts with God's word. What a gift!

Next week, I take the kids school shopping, and I'll purchase my new notebook. I'm truly grateful, Lord, that it's that time of year again. May I fill the pages with wise choices, triumphs over tragedy, memories with friends, and sweet, quiet moments shared with You. "Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11

Inspiration Fails Me

So I had high hopes of coming back to post a day or so ago. You can see that it didn't happen, and I completely forgot exactly what it was that I wanted to share with you. The funny part left me as well.

All seems quiet in the house (and as from my earlier post, we all know that this can change in the blink of an eye), dinner is in the oven, hubby is reading a book (yes, I did say reading), so I might be able to actually post.

Currently, I'm reading the book Through Gates of Splendor by Elisabeth Elliot. If you've never heard of it, I'll give a little background. It's the story of 5 missionaries to the jungles of Ecuador who set out to establish communication with an isolated tribe called the Waoranis. All five ended up losing their lives for Christ, but the story is absolutely amazing. Each widowed a wife, and several left behind very young children. I read with a highlighter handy because Elliot writes so poignantly and because much of the book is filled with the journal writings of these five amazing men. It is altogether a biography that nspires and steps on toes.

One quote from Ed McCully's journal goes perfectly with my current situation: struggling to do what I feel I have to do and the struggle to do what I MUST, live the high calling God has given me. Ed McCully spoke of this struggle while in the jungles of Ecuador, AND he was a missionary, for goodness sake. I mean he was doing what he MUST and that was living a life totally devoted to Christ even unto leaving all behind for a forsaken jungle. In his jounral, he writes "It's hard to keep our primary purpose in view when we get so swamped with secondary things." TELL ME ABOUT IT ED!

This is my struggle right now. I feel as if I have go back to school, earn a paycheck, etc, etc, yet I realize that once this starts, what I MUST do and what I want to do will take a back burner (see earlier posting.)

I've asked God to help me order my time, give me an easy school year, and a discernment to avoid all "business" that doesn't allow me to do what He's called me to do. I have to say He has helped me learn to say "No, I can't commit to that right now." Even though sometimes, I really would like to. My constant determining question (which my husband is now adopting) has been "In the grand scheme of life, what does this really matter?" Ask yourself this question about any situation or choice and, boy, it really helps narrow things down a bit.

Anyhoo (as Rupert would say), I've lingered on this thought for a while and will probably continue, but Pink Lady, at least I posted :)

Life Gets in the Way

Was going to blog just a second ago but now life has gotten in the way and I can't :( Check back later for my lingerings on blogging in general. I feel inspired and funny but lets see how long it sticks around.

School starts back in less than two weeks. YIKES! I can honestly say this year I'm really struggling with the desire to go back. I'm actually dreading it. Overwhelmed is probably the perfect word. This year I will have my very first intern ( one I'm not so sure about mind you-- not one of those interns you can let loose in your classroom and know everything will be alright), I'll be teaching six classes instead of 5 (translate 25 more papers to grade and 1 hour less to do it each day), AND I'll be co-teaching three days a week. Now to some this sounds like "Hey, some extra help!" In some ways that's true; however, it would be like sharing the kitchen when you've been the only chef for the past seven years. All in all, I'm struggling with the relinquishment of power. I like running my classroom and so far been pretty successful. Now, I've got to change and I'll be honest: I DON'T WANT TO! It's too much work and I just want it to be easy. (I don't know why I expect things to be easy as they RARELY are in my life.)

Side note: I'm also a little concerned that God is taking me in a new direction -- out of the classroom maybe. I don't really know and as much as I love a new adventure, it is always a little scary to brave out into the unknown. My unsettled heart is a definite indication that He's changing something. I know I'll do what He's gonna ask me to do, I just hate the waiting and the figuring it out. Anybody else like that?

One final note that mostly will make sense to the Ecuador crew. The book is in the beginning stages. I can honestly say that I've taken steps to fulfill one destiny that God has for me. I'm excited and God is building my confidence everyday. I don't feel like I'm just "playing with the wax" anymore :)

Big Sister Pride

So all my sister bloggers complain that I don't post enough. Well here I am and I'm posting. Today there's so much floating in my brain that I don't know where to start. Since my last few - well my only two- posts have been sort of a rant, I'm going with a positive rave today.

Last night's youth service was wonderful. And I'm not just saying that because my husband is the youth pastor -- although he Is the best one around. It was wonderful because God was there in a real way. During worship, we sang a song entitled "You Are Good." It was powerful. From the first word, I began to cry. It was a realization of how good God really is in my life and what I had to be proud of and thankful for, and last night I was both, due to the voice that sang that song.

I won't mention her name but she knows who she is. When she began to sing, the annointing of God flowed through her. As I stood and listened, I realized that God uses her because she knows Him. I mean really knows Him. She spends time with Him; she revels in her relationship with Him. I vouch for this because I KNOW her heart. Last night, I was so proud of her not for her vocal performance (although it was magnificent) but because she truly lives a life that pleases God. It is written in all her words and actions. Her very desire is that others know God in the way she does, serves Him with all they have, and desperately wants ALL to have the relationship with HIM. No she isn't perfect -- she knows that and so do I, but she is striving to be ALL that God has called her to be.

I've watched her grow in some amazing ways the past eight years. I can' wait to see what God does with her life. She has no idea the ADVENTURE He has planned for her and the amazing path He's carved out just for her.

I'm so proud because God has allowed me to be a spiritual big sister and knowing that I've influenced such an amazing young lady is simply a sweet gift from Him that I treasure daily. Be encouraged today my little sis - you keep going after God and no matter who disagrees with you about your "crazy" list, HE WILL REWARD YOU! "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless." Psalm 84:11